Baby Face

At the ripe old age of 25 it seems the world has decided that I look........16???? It's strange. Growing up fat naturally led people to assume I was older than I was because I was....how do I put this delicately?? More developed. I had boobs and I was tall for my age (well, until the end of high school when I realized that I am not actually ever going to be tall) and I always interacted well with adults. This is probably because I was fat and had few friends (another entry entirely). That being said, ever since I turned 21 it seems the world has made me younger. I get carded everywhere I go - not just for alcohol (that's not insulting), but for R-rated movies, and the like. Case and point: for Christmas I bought my chronic smoker father a carton of cigarettes (note to those with smoker relatives: this will make you a favorite among smokers, they hardly ever by cartons for themselves because they swear they are going to quit after each pack). I was carded. I take offense to the idea that appear to be under 18. I have fully developed hips, more than ample breasts, and I refuse to believe that even without make up my face makes me a day younger than 20.

As I thought about this label of youth I wondered if it has less to do with me and more to do with the way kids are today. Young teenagers wear outfits I would never have dreamed of at their age. Partly because I was too fat for these outfits (and still am) and partly because I had parents who said "no." At church yesterday morning one girl, who I know is under 15 was wearing a khaki skirt that covered half of her thighs, knee high boots and a coat that covered the entire outfit so it looked like she was a flasher until we were lucky enough to have her reveal the skirt that defines mini.

So do I really look 18??? I certainly don't think so, but when I consider that kids who are 12 dress like they're 25 it doesn't hurt as much to be asked.

Manly Thoughts

I've finally managed to get my number of new emails below 100 - I believe that means I deserve a blog update break.

I've had a lot of time to think recently. Lonely hotel rooms with crappy cable will do that to you. I've had time to ask myself what I want from men. I want to be married and have kids and a house and I could probably even be talked into a pet or two. The truth is, none of the things I'm doing with my life right now suggest that those are the things I want. I bounce, without discrimination, between two men. I care for both of them in different ways, but I often wonder how much they care about me. The truth is, I've been involved with both of them for a long time - at this point, caring shouldn't even be a question, but it is.

I really started thinking about what I have been doing a few weeks ago. BeEasy and I planned a weekend afternoon filled with sexual fun. We ordered pizza and wings and were in the midst of a pre-delivery rendezvous when there was a knock at the door. I threw myself together (and off of him) and answered the door without looking - we assumed it was the delivery guy. It was SuperFly. Begin chaos.

Luckily, because of BeEasy's lack of clothing I shut the door to my bedroom before going to answer the door. When I came back in having gotten SuperFly comfortable on the couch BeEasy knew what was going on. He was trapped. The poor man spent 3 hours in my shower waiting for SuperFly to leave, or at least be distracted enough for BeEasy to make an escape. I would not get so lucky. Instead, SuperFly popped in a movie and rejected every attempt I made at getting him naked. I will say, the highlight for me was when SuperFly went to use the bathroom, knowing BeEasy was in the shower. I had to laugh to myself. All's well that ends well, SuperFly left, BeEasy was freed from the shower and handsomely rewarded for his patience.

The ironic thing is that SuperFly and I have been better for the last few weeks than we have in a long time. We spend a lot of time together, and we enjoy each other's company. The same can be said for BeEasy. We see each other regularly and enjoy ourselves.

What does it say about me, that I am perfectly content no matter which one I'm with. As long as one is there, I'm happy. I enjoy different parts of both of them. I should just be happy with what I have, but I want more. In typical fat girl fashion, I'm afraid to look for more because at least now I have both of them - in some way. What if I got rid of them both, and never found what I was looking for? Isn't it better to have a little bit of something, rather than a whole lot of nothing?

I said I was done, but I lied...

Another reason why I should go on Biggest Loser.

Road Warrior

I should apologize. I am alive and well. Just busy. I didn't plan to be busy, it just happened.

Where to begin? During the previously mentioned Thanksgiving extravaganza my boss called. Note: it is NEVER a good sign when your boss calls over Thanksgiving weekend. A woman in our office who was supposed to go to Arizona last week had to have her appendix removed and I was asked to go in her place. Instead of the relaxing Sunday after Thanksgiving I ended up rushing home from National swapping sweaters for t-shirts and going back to National for a flight out to Arizona. Under normal circumstances, a week in Arizona would be a welcome break. However, when the wireless internet in your hotel doesn't work and you aren't planning for the event to begin with it becomes more of a burden. Arizona for a week, then I was back in DC for a whopping 4 days before heading down to a previously scheduled Orlando area trip. Again no hotel wireless (I'm starting to think this may be a problem with our IT guy not me). I got back on Thursday and have been playing catch up ever since.

There has been boy drama on top of everything else. I have neither the time, nor the energy to get into it now. If anyone still reads this - thank you.....if you're interested let me know and I'll post it later

Turkey Time

Ahh Thanksgiving. Every fat person's favorite holiday. Why you ask?? Because you can eat as much as you want and no one will yell at you to stop eating, or "suggest" that you go a little easier. The whole purpose of Thanksgiving (aside from that whole being thankful thing) is to eat. Appetizers at my house include all the goodies: dips with every unhealthy thing imaginable, cheese, crackers, bread, chips, and my Mom always insists on putting out vegetables (they usually end up drying out or being eaten by the dog). Dinner is always a turkey, two types of stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, corn bread, some "healthy vegetable," salads, bread, cranberry sauce from scratch, the works. Only to be topped off by dessert. Pies and cakes, usually topped with ice cream. This year I'll be making my famous chocolate covered strawberries to add to the delicious glory.

Thanksgiving is also wonderful because aside from food the holiday revolves around sports. I've always loved football, and so I have been excused from the cooking and permitted to sit with the men and scream at the TV while inhaling the aforementioned appetizers.

This year, we'll be joining my brother and his wife and his darling children. This will involve me flying with my parents – a situation usually avoided at all costs. I'm not concern this year, anything is better than being at work tomorrow. My biggest fear is fitting into the seat belt on the way back.

Happy Thanksgiving, my loves…..see you Monday!

Thursday Thoughts

* It's stories like this that make 22-year-old girls at the gym think they need to be getting married. Do any other Laguna watchers have a problem with TALAN getting married?? I thought he "loved" Taylor and Kristin

* On my way to work every day I pass the same homeless man. Sometimes I feel bad for him; sometimes he irritates me. Most days I just stop my car in a way that puts him in my blind spot so I don't have to see him. I feel like this makes me a slightly bad person.

* I found a beer bottle in the recycling bin in my office yesterday. I found it when I was warming up my healthy homemade lunch. Who drinks at the office? Who drinks at the office before 12?

* Watching Sex and the City before bed is bad for a girl's self-esteem. The show is entertaining, but if you're going to bed alone it doesn't make you feel very good about yourself. I hate going to bed alone. I am in favor of the strong independent woman thing, but damnit I like having a body next to me at night. I guess that means the whole notion of the feminist movement is lost on me.

* There are a lot of really good movies coming out in the next few weeks, some are already out. Movies I would like to see are: Rent, Walk the Line, Get Rich or Die Tryin, Pride and Prejudice, Jarhead, Derailed, Shopgirl, North Country, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, Memoirs of a Geisha, Brokeback Mountain, Yours Mine and Ours, Rumor Has It. I probably won't see all of these in the theater, but I want to see them eventually. I wish the movie people would spread out the good releases more.

* I really hated that Ashlee Simpson song at first. You know, the one about how she didn't steal your boyfriend. Now I love it.

* I wish people would be more aware of their coffee breath. Coffee smells. If you drink it, please be aware of this and use an appropriate mouth-cleansing product such as gum, breath mint or tic-tac. Also, be aware of the impact that several individuals with coffee breath in a confined space can have on your co-workers

Fat Talk

I walked out on Weight Watchers. I know. Bad. Definitely can’t be good for weight loss project. You have to understand, I believe it the Weight Watchers program. I know that when you do it, it works. So many people have reached their goals with it. I just can’t sit there and listen to meetings I’ve heard before and struggles I’ve heard before. I’m not walking out on the Weight Watcher program, just the Weight Watcher meetings. My relationship with food needs to be explored on a deeper level than Weight Watchers can give me. Now, how do I do that???

When I see the LA Weight Loss commercials I wonder two things: 1) what is that program about? How does it work? What do they tell you that is so different? 2) How come women who lose so much weight on this program never seem to lose it in their boobs? They can be 100lbs lighter and their boobs are still big and bouncy as ever. It puzzles me….

Your Mission....Should You Choose to Accept It:

Go to http://www.google.com

In the search type: Failure

Instead of clicking "google search" click "I'm feeling lucky"

LAUGH REALLY HARD.......

then go back to work!