From Fat to Fabulous

Baby Face

2005-12-26T14:58:00.000-05:00

At the ripe old age of 25 it seems the world has decided that I look........16???? It's strange. Growing up fat naturally led people to assume I was older than I was because I was....how do I put this delicately?? More developed. I had boobs and I was tall for my age (well, until the end of high school when I realized that I am not actually ever going to be tall) and I always interacted well with adults. This is probably because I was fat and had few friends (another entry entirely). That being said, ever since I turned 21 it seems the world has made me younger. I get carded everywhere I go - not just for alcohol (that's not insulting), but for R-rated movies, and the like. Case and point: for Christmas I bought my chronic smoker father a carton of cigarettes (note to those with smoker relatives: this will make you a favorite among smokers, they hardly ever by cartons for themselves because they swear they are going to quit after each pack). I was carded. I take offense to the idea that appear to be under 18. I have fully developed hips, more than ample breasts, and I refuse to believe that even without make up my face makes me a day younger than 20.

As I thought about this label of youth I wondered if it has less to do with me and more to do with the way kids are today. Young teenagers wear outfits I would never have dreamed of at their age. Partly because I was too fat for these outfits (and still am) and partly because I had parents who said "no." At church yesterday morning one girl, who I know is under 15 was wearing a khaki skirt that covered half of her thighs, knee high boots and a coat that covered the entire outfit so it looked like she was a flasher until we were lucky enough to have her reveal the skirt that defines mini.

So do I really look 18??? I certainly don't think so, but when I consider that kids who are 12 dress like they're 25 it doesn't hurt as much to be asked.

Manly Thoughts

2005-12-15T15:30:00.000-05:00

I've finally managed to get my number of new emails below 100 - I believe that means I deserve a blog update break.

I've had a lot of time to think recently. Lonely hotel rooms with crappy cable will do that to you. I've had time to ask myself what I want from men. I want to be married and have kids and a house and I could probably even be talked into a pet or two. The truth is, none of the things I'm doing with my life right now suggest that those are the things I want. I bounce, without discrimination, between two men. I care for both of them in different ways, but I often wonder how much they care about me. The truth is, I've been involved with both of them for a long time - at this point, caring shouldn't even be a question, but it is.

I really started thinking about what I have been doing a few weeks ago. BeEasy and I planned a weekend afternoon filled with sexual fun. We ordered pizza and wings and were in the midst of a pre-delivery rendezvous when there was a knock at the door. I threw myself together (and off of him) and answered the door without looking - we assumed it was the delivery guy. It was SuperFly. Begin chaos.

Luckily, because of BeEasy's lack of clothing I shut the door to my bedroom before going to answer the door. When I came back in having gotten SuperFly comfortable on the couch BeEasy knew what was going on. He was trapped. The poor man spent 3 hours in my shower waiting for SuperFly to leave, or at least be distracted enough for BeEasy to make an escape. I would not get so lucky. Instead, SuperFly popped in a movie and rejected every attempt I made at getting him naked. I will say, the highlight for me was when SuperFly went to use the bathroom, knowing BeEasy was in the shower. I had to laugh to myself. All's well that ends well, SuperFly left, BeEasy was freed from the shower and handsomely rewarded for his patience.

The ironic thing is that SuperFly and I have been better for the last few weeks than we have in a long time. We spend a lot of time together, and we enjoy each other's company. The same can be said for BeEasy. We see each other regularly and enjoy ourselves.

What does it say about me, that I am perfectly content no matter which one I'm with. As long as one is there, I'm happy. I enjoy different parts of both of them. I should just be happy with what I have, but I want more. In typical fat girl fashion, I'm afraid to look for more because at least now I have both of them - in some way. What if I got rid of them both, and never found what I was looking for? Isn't it better to have a little bit of something, rather than a whole lot of nothing?

I said I was done, but I lied...

2005-12-13T14:16:00.000-05:00

Another reason why I should go on Biggest Loser.

Road Warrior

2005-12-13T14:08:00.000-05:00

I should apologize. I am alive and well. Just busy. I didn't plan to be busy, it just happened.

Where to begin? During the previously mentioned Thanksgiving extravaganza my boss called. Note: it is NEVER a good sign when your boss calls over Thanksgiving weekend. A woman in our office who was supposed to go to Arizona last week had to have her appendix removed and I was asked to go in her place. Instead of the relaxing Sunday after Thanksgiving I ended up rushing home from National swapping sweaters for t-shirts and going back to National for a flight out to Arizona. Under normal circumstances, a week in Arizona would be a welcome break. However, when the wireless internet in your hotel doesn't work and you aren't planning for the event to begin with it becomes more of a burden. Arizona for a week, then I was back in DC for a whopping 4 days before heading down to a previously scheduled Orlando area trip. Again no hotel wireless (I'm starting to think this may be a problem with our IT guy not me). I got back on Thursday and have been playing catch up ever since.

There has been boy drama on top of everything else. I have neither the time, nor the energy to get into it now. If anyone still reads this - thank you.....if you're interested let me know and I'll post it later

Turkey Time

2005-11-21T16:30:00.000-05:00

Ahh Thanksgiving. Every fat person's favorite holiday. Why you ask?? Because you can eat as much as you want and no one will yell at you to stop eating, or "suggest" that you go a little easier. The whole purpose of Thanksgiving (aside from that whole being thankful thing) is to eat. Appetizers at my house include all the goodies: dips with every unhealthy thing imaginable, cheese, crackers, bread, chips, and my Mom always insists on putting out vegetables (they usually end up drying out or being eaten by the dog). Dinner is always a turkey, two types of stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, corn bread, some "healthy vegetable," salads, bread, cranberry sauce from scratch, the works. Only to be topped off by dessert. Pies and cakes, usually topped with ice cream. This year I'll be making my famous chocolate covered strawberries to add to the delicious glory.

Thanksgiving is also wonderful because aside from food the holiday revolves around sports. I've always loved football, and so I have been excused from the cooking and permitted to sit with the men and scream at the TV while inhaling the aforementioned appetizers.

This year, we'll be joining my brother and his wife and his darling children. This will involve me flying with my parents – a situation usually avoided at all costs. I'm not concern this year, anything is better than being at work tomorrow. My biggest fear is fitting into the seat belt on the way back.

Happy Thanksgiving, my loves…..see you Monday!

Thursday Thoughts

2005-11-17T10:45:00.000-05:00

* It's stories like this that make 22-year-old girls at the gym think they need to be getting married. Do any other Laguna watchers have a problem with TALAN getting married?? I thought he "loved" Taylor and Kristin

* On my way to work every day I pass the same homeless man. Sometimes I feel bad for him; sometimes he irritates me. Most days I just stop my car in a way that puts him in my blind spot so I don't have to see him. I feel like this makes me a slightly bad person.

* I found a beer bottle in the recycling bin in my office yesterday. I found it when I was warming up my healthy homemade lunch. Who drinks at the office? Who drinks at the office before 12?

* Watching Sex and the City before bed is bad for a girl's self-esteem. The show is entertaining, but if you're going to bed alone it doesn't make you feel very good about yourself. I hate going to bed alone. I am in favor of the strong independent woman thing, but damnit I like having a body next to me at night. I guess that means the whole notion of the feminist movement is lost on me.

* There are a lot of really good movies coming out in the next few weeks, some are already out. Movies I would like to see are: Rent, Walk the Line, Get Rich or Die Tryin, Pride and Prejudice, Jarhead, Derailed, Shopgirl, North Country, The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, Memoirs of a Geisha, Brokeback Mountain, Yours Mine and Ours, Rumor Has It. I probably won't see all of these in the theater, but I want to see them eventually. I wish the movie people would spread out the good releases more.

* I really hated that Ashlee Simpson song at first. You know, the one about how she didn't steal your boyfriend. Now I love it.

* I wish people would be more aware of their coffee breath. Coffee smells. If you drink it, please be aware of this and use an appropriate mouth-cleansing product such as gum, breath mint or tic-tac. Also, be aware of the impact that several individuals with coffee breath in a confined space can have on your co-workers

Fat Talk

2005-11-14T10:55:00.000-05:00

I walked out on Weight Watchers. I know. Bad. Definitely can’t be good for weight loss project. You have to understand, I believe it the Weight Watchers program. I know that when you do it, it works. So many people have reached their goals with it. I just can’t sit there and listen to meetings I’ve heard before and struggles I’ve heard before. I’m not walking out on the Weight Watcher program, just the Weight Watcher meetings. My relationship with food needs to be explored on a deeper level than Weight Watchers can give me. Now, how do I do that???

When I see the LA Weight Loss commercials I wonder two things: 1) what is that program about? How does it work? What do they tell you that is so different? 2) How come women who lose so much weight on this program never seem to lose it in their boobs? They can be 100lbs lighter and their boobs are still big and bouncy as ever. It puzzles me….

Your Mission....Should You Choose to Accept It:

2005-11-10T14:27:00.000-05:00

Go to http://www.google.com

In the search type: Failure

Instead of clicking "google search" click "I'm feeling lucky"

LAUGH REALLY HARD.......

then go back to work!

Gym Antics

2005-11-09T11:46:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't go so far as to say that the gym has become a regular part of my life, but it's getting there. It takes 21 days to make a habit, and I'm about 1 week into mine. So with 14 more days to go before I can officially declare myself the fattest gym rat, I have several gym observations that I wish to share:

** Short shorts are never to be worn, ever. This rule is particularly important for tall men with hairy legs. I'm not kidding when I say I think I saw a testicle yesterday.

** The short shorts are not made acceptable by wearing long spandex biker shorts underneath. Let me create a picture for you: tall man with hairy legs and thin short shorts with long spandex biker shorts underneath that went down to his knees. Did he really think this was a good gym look??

** Jewelry is NOT part of the gym attire. Diamonds that weigh down fingers and earlobes, bracelets that blind other patrons, necklaces with so much bling they cost more than a townhouse in Georgetown, etc. These items are to be left at home or locked in your locker.

** Make-up is good. I wear make up to the gym because usually it is still on from work. However, if you are so tragic looking that you apply 30+ layers of foundation it will melt when you get hot and sweaty. Make-up melting on the machine is NOT good. This leads to my next point……

** I am not a germ freak, but I don't care if you just competed in a triathlon – you are going to sweat at the gym. That is why they provide the lovely paper towel machine with bottles of disinfectant below. WIPE OFF YOUR MACHINE!! Putting my hand in your sweat does not improve my already hellish gym experience.

** It has been established that I am fat. This means that for the safety of myself and those around me I do NOT under ANY circumstances wear spandex to the gym. Yesterday, a perfectly pleasant fat girl had on a spandex shirt and matching pants. She weighed at least 240 (I know this because she put 220 in as her weight on the machine and you always lie a little). Did she really think that she looked good?? Is there any chance that we all wanted to see her jiggle what God gave her for the 10 minutes she tried to run on the treadmill??

** Speedos. I didn't think I would have to address this, but unfortunately a few patrons at the gym pool did not get the memo that Speedos went out with tie-dye. A few days ago, a fit gentleman was spotted not only wearing a Speedo, but also stretching before his swimming routine. Please, keep your package and the ways it stretches to yourself.

** Finally, cell phones. I have deep emotional and physical attachment to my cell phone. Unfortunately, the gym has several lovely signs posted asking me to refrain from using this device while engaging in my exercise experience. I can read, and am agreeable to the rules of society so I leave the cell phone in my locker. So people do not see to get this. Case and point: a young woman was seen screaming into her cell phone during one gym experience. Was this an angry conversation?? No. She was simply so out of breath because she was in the middle of her running experience and the machines/music were so loud she had to scream. As a result, I am now lucky enough to have the knowledge that she didn't get pregnant this month, but she's hoping the scare will convince her boyfriend to propose because she's 22 and tired of waiting. If that doesn't work she's planning on trying the pregnancy thing again. Men, you have been warned.

Happy Wednesday my loves……

Some Scattered Thoughts

2005-11-08T11:37:00.000-05:00

** Since T.O. doesn't seem to read my blog and didn't call to propose I had to accept the fact that I would not be marrying a troubled multimillionaire anytime soon and come to work

** I got a manicure yesterday and one chipped, I feel like I should go back and get it fixed, but I don't want to pay so I have 9 beautiful fingernails and one not so beautiful fingernail

** There's something very domestic about having someone who you sleep with become part of your morning routine. It would've been a lot more fun if it had turned into morning kitchen floor sex, not just spinach omelets, but beggars can't be choosers

** I'm really glad the Colts beat the Patriots

** My knee is sore. It's probably because I'm fat, but I like to think it's because I've done some sort of strenuous exercise even though I know I haven't exercised

** My pants feel a bit looser. It's probably because I have worn them in, but I like to think it's because I'm getting smaller

** The worst thing about a fake sick day is pretending you were actually sick when you get to work the next day – a sniffle here, little cough there. I didn't put on foundation today so I would look blotchy and ill.

My Take On T.O.

2005-11-07T14:21:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I don't have anything more important to talk about. I'm taking a mental health day (aka a fake sick day) and slept until 12. After skimming blogs this morning I stumbled on DC Sports Chick's T.O. commentary and remembered that I had some things to say on the subject.

First, before anyone jumps down my throat I agree that T.O. probably ranks among the biggest assholes in sports. That being said, I would love to have one night of wild passion just so I could touch those abs….I digress.

The Eagles got exactly what they signed up for: a tough person, great talent. What did they expect from a man who demanded to be traded then didn't like the team he got traded to and refused to report??

I will concede that showing up to the game against the Cowboys in a Michael Irvin jersey was a little excessive. However, I think there is enough blame in the current situation to go around. First, Owens was responding to a question asked by a reporter regarding a comment made by Michael Irvin that the Eagles would be undefeated if Brett Favre was their quarterback. It's not as if T.O. just made up this theory and decided to share it with the ESPN viewing audience. Granted, T.O. has plenty of experience with the media. He should have known answering the question would just cause more problems with Donovan McNabb and the organization, yet he chose to not only answer, but elaborate. Second, the idea that T.O. has only apologized to half of the people he was supposed to seems like a bit of a stretch. He apologized on national television, for an organization not looking for a reason to suspend a player that would have been more than sufficient. That being said, if T.O. really wanted to play again for the Eagles would it be that difficult to just apologize in person to his teammates? I doubt it.

Now there appear to be 3 options for the Eagles. First, they can suspend him for up to 4 games then get over it. Second, they could put him in time out a la the Bucs and Keyshawn Johnson and just send him home for the rest of the season, but continue to pay him. Third, they can release him. Any good GM knows that releasing him would be a terrible idea. That would allow another team in the division (possibly Washington or Dallas – neither of which are known to care about a person's checkered past think Keyshawn and Lavar, or are known to be cheap) to pick him up. That could be disastrous.

If I were the Eagles: I would kiss and make up for the rest of the season and use him while you have him then send him on his way.

If I were me: I would just jump him (can we tell I have a thing for troublemakers???)

Editors note: It looks like the Eagles have made their decision......T.O. I am available to come help you count your millions.....

Is It Me Or.....

2005-11-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

Whenever you're really tired and don't give a damn you have the most stuff to get done???

I'm tired, I'm cranky, and really of no help to anyone today. I would like to be in bed.......damn the working world.

Political Pause

2005-11-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

For someone who has lived in the DC area for almost her entire life I'm not very politically savvy. I enjoy politics and lean left with the best of them, but I can't shoot the bull about the fine intricacies of the political process. I'm, probably, your stereotypical young person. I care about big popular social issues: the war in Iraq, abortion, public schools, gay marriage, gun control, etc. Don't get me wrong, I understand different party standings on healthcare, social security, and tax cuts but these aren't the issues that get me fired up.

I have a problem though (aside from George W. Bush). Whenever someone tells me they're a Republican I don't like them anymore. Case and point: a new girl started at my office last year. On first glance, she was very nice. Then, come election time, I find out she leans so far to the right she and Justice Thomas could be the same person. Suddenly, I couldn't stand her. I've spoken to her probably 10 times since the revelation. I wonder how underneath that seemingly normal, sweet exterior can lie a Republican. It makes my blood boil.

This affliction is unnatural, and unnecessary particularly for someone who isn't overly involved in politics. Luckily, it doesn't seem to carry over to my family. By some misfortune several Republicans have wormed their way into my happy left leaning clam. Most of them married in, but a few seem to be suffering from some unexplainable genetic malfunction. I'm able to overlook it with them, most of the time.

I need to control this problem before it gets even more out of control, but is that possible in a city that likes to define a persons existence by their political party affiliation?

Edit: It seems I'm not the only one feeling a little political today.

Tuesday Thoughts

2005-11-01T13:27:00.000-05:00

This morning I went to put on my favorite red pants for work and they were tight and looked like crap. I HAVE to go to WW, so instead of going home and relaxing after work off to WW I will go. I'm going to a new one. I'm too embarrassed to go back to the one I went to before. They will all look at me and wonder how it's possible to gain weight as an on-again, off-again member of 3+ years. Maybe this means WW doesn't work for me and I should try something new, or maybe it means I just don't stick to it long enough to make it work.

Men will be the death of me. BeEasy continues to drive me insane, just as SuperFly starts being great. Can't they both be great at the same time? BeEasy was supposed to come over last night. We had a whole email conversation about it yesterday morning, where I suggested that he would ditch me. I was told to stop acting like I hadn't seen him a lot recently, and informed that I would not be ditched. Keyword: NOT. After work I ran a few errands and sent him a text when I was on my way home asking what time he would be coming over. He informed me that he wasn't going to go workout with his friend who he hadn't seen in forever just because he promised he wouldn't ditch me. GUILT TRIP. So I told him to go, I said I didn't want him to be with me when he really wanted to be with his friend. I meant it, but I was still mad that he went. I hate those situations. No win. I asked him if he wanted to come over after, he said he would call me. No call. I went to bed. Alone.

On the SuperFly front. He left yesterday morning on a business trip. He never calls when he goes away on business. He called twice last night. He's a good guy.

There are other women in my office who are very very overweight. They seem to do nothing about it. It's pretty judgmental of my fat ass to sit here and suggest that they do something, but I'm trying. One of them really puzzles me because she seems to never eat, but she's bigger than I am. They both are. Maybe they really aren't and I just have no perspective. Maybe the one who eats nothing all day is a night muncher like me and I should sympathize. I wish we could all work together to lose weight, but it's not exactly a topic you suggest via office-wide email.

Thoughts:
Why can't I get rid of BeEasy? I know he's bad news, and obviously he doesn't care about me. Of course he thinks I don't care about him, which has proven to be false. On the other hand, just because I don't "care" doesn't mean I don't have feelings about things in general. He should take that into consideration, right?

Why can't I just find a weight loss plan that works and stick to it?

If there are so many overweight people in the world, why do we have such a hard time talking about it together? Why do even overweight people feel uncomfortable talking about how to lose weight with other people who are overweight?

I want to be fit, and I know how to get that way, but why is it so hard to put what I know into action?

Why do I jump 10 feet in the air every time I get an email and then get in a really bad mood when it's not from BeEasy? Why (more importantly) hasn't he made contact yet?

Weekend Musings....

2005-10-31T07:52:00.000-05:00

The weekend proved entertaining. Entertaining, of course, doesn’t lend itself to restful, but it sure is fun…..

BeEasy came over on Friday night as scheduled. We had a nice time. We just relaxed and talked and had a lot of sex (which makes everything better). It’s funny, I always want him to spend the night (mostly because I like the company and am in favor of sexual activity in the middle of the night), but then I got him there and it was nice and I definitely enjoyed his morning wake up more than my alarm clock but I didn’t sleep well. This had nothing to do with the sex interruptions, I just couldn’t sleep. Every time I had to pee I was afraid I would wake him up, I was worried he wasn’t comfortable (even though he was snoring away). It’s not as if he and I have never spent the night together – we have millions of times. I’m just not as comfortable with him as I am with SuperFly. BeEasy and I can say anything to each other (more on that momentarily); I’m painfully honest with him about the other people in my life, yet I hardly ever initiate any kind of sexual activity with him unless it’s via text or email. With SuperFly I have no shame; I will jump him anytime I get the urge. It’s funny how different you are with different people.

BeEasy and I had such a good time on Friday that as soon as he got home Saturday he text me again asking if I wanted to watch football later that night. We did, and we drank enough that I was able to tell him what I really think of BBBB. I explained that my frustration was with 1) him not calling and 2) him being a pussy and taking this crap from her. He told me he thought it was a given that he was lecturing her, and that he did yell at her and tell him she isn’t his girlfriend, but that if he had left after that she would’ve been calling and texting and it would’ve been a headache. At least we established that he’s not a pussy.

SuperFly came over last night. I think I love him. That’s the end of that story.

Habits. I read somewhere this weekend that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. I think this is true. In college, I was really messy until I lived with someone who was neat to the point of being anal. I made an effort to be really tidy too and after a few weeks it was just my nature. In light of this whole clock changing thing I decided to start working out in the morning. Maybe my body will think it’s not actually 7:00 a.m. I was successful today. One day down, 20 to go to make it a habit. I just want to try to work out 5 days a week, 3 or 4 during the week and 1 or 2 on the weekend.

Another habit I need to break is breaking my diet at night. So I am going to try to stick to my diet for 21 days too. By then it should be a habit, right??? Something makes me doubt it.

Boy things to ponder this week:

1) If I care about SuperFly as much as I think I do why can’t I let BeEasy go?
2) If BeEasy and I can talk about anything are he and I a better pair than me and SuperFly?

Diet ponderings

1) Why is it so hard to start healthy habits?

Don't Hate the Player....

2005-10-28T07:40:00.000-05:00

I have been declared a "hater." BeEasy made an appearance last night. I refused to go pick him up so he walked (one point earned back). He then continued telling me how the stupid girl (who will from here on out be referred to as Big Blonde Booty Bitch or BBBB) was just being "a girl." This ranks among the lamest excuses for me. Why?? Because I am a girl. How can you justify Big Blonde Booty Bitch's behavior as "just being a girl" to another girl who does NOT act like that?? This annoyed me so I pressed (in a joking and adoring way of course).

He makes a pitiful attempt to change the subject by squeezing my boob (we'll discuss the issue with this at another time) and telling me what he thinks I should do to him, but as a female I have the ability to multitask. I can get ready for sexual activity while continuing my questioning.

"Why don't you have a copy of her key?" He informs me it's too big a commitment. COMMITMENT??? I'm sorry. You're staying there, how is having a key to the door a commitment? Because sometimes he won't stay there, he'll stay with me. This makes no sense, but I often have this problem with the male brain so I went with it. He then told me we had to "hurry" because she was going to be home soon. My response: "her car is heated. She can sit there and wait." Thus I was dubbed a "hater." In the most loving way possible.

He plops on the bed, keeping cell phone in hand in case BBBB calls. This was a situation NOT to be tolerated. I proceeded to climb right on top of him and inform him (while kissing some rather sensitive areas) that he should tell her dumb ass to come get the key from my apartment if she didn't want to wait in her car, I removed the cell phone, and took my time blowing the boys brains out.

BBBB sits in the car and waits, BeEasy walks home, and the tone for tonight's drink and sexathon has been set. Happy Friday my loves.

PS - Yes, I'm still fat.

Thanks :)

2005-10-27T15:41:00.000-05:00

Thanks to DC Blogs (Thanks Captain!) for the shout out!

It should be noted that after the meeting yesterday my blog use drastically increased. One of my coworkers even emailed a list of her favorite work blogs to everyone and asked us all to do the same. Sorry cupcake, work blogs aren't fun. At least now whenever the big man walks past my office and asks what I'm doing I can say "blogging" and he smiles.....I wonder how long it will take him to catch on.

When getting mad doesn't work, go to lunch.....

2005-10-27T13:10:00.000-05:00

I mean I finally got piping mad. Ok, piping might be a slight exaggeration. MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Things have not been so easy for BeEasy in the last month. Car = totaled. Roommate got engaged to pregnant fiancee and kicked BeEasy to the curb. So BeEasy announced a week ago that he would be staying with one of the other girls he's sleeping with. Why?? Because she's not sleeping with anyone else and I have SuperFly who could pop up at any moment. Initially, I was fine with this arrangement. Truth is, this girl lives closer to me making seeing one of my favorite bed buddies a more accessible activity. However, there is a twinge of pain every time I think about this stupid girl. She knows she is NOT his girlfriend, that this is a temporary situation and (most importantly) that I exist. She does NOT like that I exist and does NOT want this to be a temporary situation.

The week started swimmingly. BeEasy came over Monday and cured my crap mood. We watched ESPN, I got some action……things were just peachy. Until he had to go unlock the door for this stupid girl. So he goes to take her the key promising he'll be coming back and probably spending the night. I am bouncing with glee. This living arrangement is going to be FABULOUS. He did not call. He did not text. He did not come.

Yesterday I was patient. I made no contact with his disappearing ass until after lunch at which point I joked with him about not coming back. "Play it cool" that's what I kept telling myself. Why?? I'm not allowed to be pissed; that's not part of the "deal." He apologized saying he just went to bed cause one of his guy friends who was bringing something over took too long. Fine. Apology accepted. We made plans for last night……(cue the troubling music).

Last night I had an outing with a few girl friends, and BeEasy said to call him when I got home.
I text him when I was on my way home and offered to pick him up. He said to just call him after my shower. I call and the following conversation begins:

Me: Do you still want to come over? I don't really care – tonight, tomorrow, not at all. I'm just watching TV
BeEasy: Let me find out when she gets off work because I have the keys and she can't get in.
Me: Why don't you just leave it open if she's going to be back in half an hour or put the key under the mat?
BeEasy: There isn't a mat and she'll be pissed if I leave her house unlocked. I'll call you right back.
Me: Ok.

Calls back….
BeEasy: I could come over really quick if you want, I think she'll be back in 30 or 45 minutes. What do you want to do?
Me: Well, whatever you think. I don't want to cause drama on the home front (haha). I'll be up for a while if you want to wait until after she gets home or if you don't want to come at all it's cool. It's up to you.
BeEasy: Ok it'd probably be better if I make sure she gets in because it's cold. I could come there really quickly but I'd have to leave really fast. So I'll make sure she has the key.
Me: Ok, so are you coming up after that or not?
BeEasy: I can. It doesn't matter.
Me: It's up to you. You know what I want (cute little flirtatious remark).
BeEasy: Ok I'll call you around 11 or before
Me: 11?? I thought you said she was on her way home.
BeEasy: She is. She'll probably be here in a half and hour or so. I thought you said you didn't care, but I could come earlier if you want me to
Me: It's fine. I'm not doing anything.

Nothing. No text. No phone call. Notta. So when I finally went to bed at 1 I sent him a text message "I'm mad at you." Wimpy, I know, but I couldn't help myself. It was a weak girl moment.

Fast forward to this morning's email conversation.
BeEasy: Don't be mad. I knew it wasn't a big deal to you and she was whining. She kept asking "why do you have to leave when I've been gone all day?" She would've been annoying. My bad.
Me: Why is her whining my problem? You live there. What the hell does she have to whine about? Whatever – you could have at least called or texted to say you weren't coming.
BeEasy: I didn't say it was your issue. I was just telling you why I didn't end up coming up.
Me: I know you didn't. I don't feel like talking about this anymore – it's just going to put me in a bad mood and I'm about to say something that will get me in trouble.
BeEasy: She was just being a girl. Lets meet up for lunch, I'll make it up to you.

So we had lunch. It was fun. We are fine. I should've been madder. Why is he such a f**king wimp??? If I whine can I get what I want?? Probably not. This girl drives me up the wall. I hate her. I have visions of slicing her tires at night and various other illegal activities. It's not even the fact that he's having sex with her that bothers me. I don't care about that because he keeps coming back to me so it's not as if she's so amazing. It's that she is such a whining brat and he doesn't just look at her and say "I appreciate you letting me stay with you TEMPORARILY. You are NOT my girlfriend. Where I go and when I go there are not your concern. You should also not concern yourself with who I see and what I do WITH them when I am away."
I am haunted by this girl. I wonder if he's the same way with her that he is with me. Then I think to myself that he can't be. I wonder if he says the stuff to her that he says to me, or if when they're just hanging out it's the same. Who does he like being with better? I convince myself that it can't be the same. That there's no way she makes him feel like I know I do (yes, that was me tooting my own horn). BeEasy and I have hot all night plans for tomorrow. If that girl so much as calls when we're together and if anything she does interrupts my evening, all hell will break loose.

I'm so torn. Do I not have any right to be mad when I have SuperFly who I actually care about?? Should I actually get mad and make BeEasy suffer?? Is hoping he'll get sick of her ridiculous whining going to work in my favor as long as I keep my cool (most of the time)???

Big Man's Blogging Blunder

2005-10-26T10:27:00.000-05:00

This morning in our weekly all staff meeting the "big man" asked if any of us "blog." I know for a fact that at least 10 people I work with blog, but we all hung our heads in shame. It was a moment reminiscent of those in a class when the teacher asks a question and no one knows the answer. He went around the room asking everyone "do you blog?" and one by one people said "no." Before he got to me he stopped and said, "this is awful. No one here reads blogs? I read blogs." We all starting laughing. Of course we READ blogs, we thought he was asking if we HAVE a blog.

This whole portion of the meeting made me laugh. A boss demanding that his workers read blogs?? This man is quite clearly from another generation. Asking a large group of 20-somethings to read a blog is like asking a fat person to eat at McDonalds – they're going to get carried away. That being said, I'm considering this a permission slip to surf the blog world as regularly as possible.

The meeting also made me wonder. If blogging is so popular, why are people so embarrassed to admit that they do it?? What are we afraid of??

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.....

2005-10-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

I'm angry. I don't like being angry because I am not an angry person. By nature I am a very happy person. Some would even say too happy. Recently though, I find myself angry at lots of things. Here's the list:

- I'm angry that I'm fat
- I'm angry that society makes it ok for people to be fat because of places like Lane Bryant and stores like Old Navy launching plus size lines
- I'm angry that people who are fat and don't care go on TV and tell people being fat is ok, when really it's not the worst thing, but if it gets too out of control it can be horrible
- I'm angry that I can't stick with a diet long enough to make it work
- I'm angry that I need to diet
- I'm angry that whenever I'm bored I eat
- I'm angry that I have no self control when it comes to food
- I'm angry that the men in my life tell me I'm not fat because I know I am
- I'm angry that I can't even imagine what I would look like skinny so I'm content with being fat
- I'm angry that I can't walk up 2 flights of stairs without being out of breath
- I'm angry that I'm not motivated at all
- I'm angry that my parents didn't make me do sports when I was young because I probably wouldn't be fat now
- I'm angry that I can't bring myself to go to the gym or Curves or even for a walk
- I'm angry that clothes that used to fit are tight (which is why I started this whole diet thing to begin with)
- I'm angry that I didn't try out for Biggest Loser because I'm sure I would've done really well

A Plea to the Blogging World

2005-10-20T10:54:00.000-05:00

I just read the very upsetting article linked above. The reason this article is so upsetting is that it toys with the idea that Reunion could be CANCELLED. If they cancel before I find out who the killer is I will be very upset. So I'm begging you, please please please watch this show when it comes back on after the World Series. I'll fill you in on the plot. Anything. Just watch and beg your friends to watch.

Thank you.

Holiday Happenings

2005-10-10T12:41:00.000-05:00

That's the chosen celebrity gossip for the bored and working crowd.....

Unlike some, I don't mind working on Columbus Day. Most people whine about how they're at work and no one else is. I see this as a plus. Every person in my office with vacation to spare (aka anyone who has been here for more than 4 years) took the day off and really not much can be accomplished. Well, that's not true. I've taken the day to catch up on my celebrity gossip, email with all my other friends who are at work feeling sorry for themselves, and browse the blogging world.

Don't mind me if I'm extra jolly this morning. It was weigh-in day and guess who's 6lbs lighter??? If you guessed DCDietDiva you'd be right!! This is finally working. All my hard work is starting to pay off. I think I'll celebrate with a cookie. JUST KIDDING! 6lbs!!!!!!!! That's 24 sticks of butter!!! A lot of a newborn baby!!!!!!! Here I was watching Biggest Loser on Tuesday getting so depressed (that show always makes me cry) because they were losing so quickly and I should be able to keep up with them, and here I am! I know next week won't be as good, just because your body can't handle it, but it feels good for now!

The damn IT guy at my office changed the cookies on my computer over the weekend. Oh you think you're a sneaky one don't you??? Well, I changed them long enough to post this, but I should probably put them back before I get a "stern talking to."

TTFN friends

Movie Moments

2005-10-07T12:11:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where you think to yourself "if my life was a movie, this would be a great scene?" Last night I did.....

SuperFly and I had a great evening. We made dinner and then (in one of our dorkier moments) he taught me how to play Spades. Very cute. The night, as usual, ended up in bed. We were cuddling and drifting in and out of sleep and I realized "this is a movie moment." If my life were a movie, I would want this scene to be in it (mostly because it was dark and fat people don't look bad in the dark).

There was something about the way his hand was just slightly inside the top of my shorts and my arm was resting across him with my head on his chest that made me realize it was a perfect moment, and I would gladly have stayed there for a long time.

How often do we really have perfect moments??? I would guess that there are quite a few, we just don't take the time to remember them. What's your perfect moment????

Holmes Cruise

2005-10-06T10:03:00.000-05:00

So America's favorite couple, TomKat, is having a baby??? Very interesting.....

I will admit, the only reason I know about this is that I was running so late for work that I actually caught the first 10 minutes of Regis and Kelly. Kelly suggested that they name the baby Holmes Cruise. Haha.

The reason I find this all so funny is simple. I am addicted to celebrity gossip magazines, and when TomKat got engaged her publicist made a big to do about the fact that she and Tommy were living together, but NOT sharing a bed. They might not have been sharing a bed, but they were sharing something!

I will give them credit though. At least we didn't have 4 months of speculation about Katie being pregnant then a big *shocking* announcement a la Jennifer Garner and our good friend Britney.

Two questions to consider: if Katie's Catholic parents weren't thrilled about Tom to begin with, how do we think they feel about this pre-wedding baby?? How do Scientologists feel about pre-wedding babies??

Just to make it clear: I'm in favor of babies at any time. As long as they're not mine yet.

Bad Bad Blogger

2005-10-05T12:41:00.000-05:00

I am a bad blogger. I'm trying to be better. Ok, not really. I will try to be better from now on. I love it when people comment on my blog and I want people to read it. I'm just a bad updated and commentor on other people's blogs. Quite simply: I'm going to blogger hell.

The diet is going very well. This is if we overlook the large cookie I had with my salad at lunch. I had the points for it though so I refuse to feel guilty. Go away guilt...scram. I'll weigh in on Monday. If it's not better I might throw myself under the WW wagon, or worse - have to go to a meeting. I've been exercising and counting, doing all the things that a good WW person should do. Is a reward (in the form of a few pounds) too much to ask? I think not.

I've been such a good dieter that I woke up in the middle of the night hungry. That's the sign that you're really dieting. When it's 4:00 a.m. and your stomach is growling. I got some water and resisted the urge to attack the nearest pretzel (it probably helped that the nearest pretzel was at the closed CVS down the street). I need to make that go away. I wasn't hungry when I went to sleep, but by 4:00 a.m. I sure was. The rest of me was sound asleep, my digestive system was not.

Ok I've rambled and been a good blogger for today. I promise I'll be better - don't leave me people! I should update on the boys, but work calls. That will give me something to talk about tomorrow.

Ta ta

Plan of Action

2005-09-27T13:43:00.000-05:00

Hi all! Sorry it's taken me so long to post this. Drama at the office has kept me from posting at work and sheer laziness combined with distractions of a more entertaining nature have kept me from posting at home. Forgive me. I took time last week and over the weekend to really think about what I want to accomplish and why it's important. I decided to stick with CORE, but try to eat a wider variety of food and be more aware of when I'm actually hungry versus when I'm bored. I developed 10 "rules" and I just need to remind myself that being aware of what I eat for 52 weeks (a year for those who didn't catch it) will make a huge difference in my life. Will a fry really taste any different today than it did a few weeks ago? No. Won't burritos still exist in a year? Yes. The pay off is worth it. I will need to be reminded of that. I'm really not "starting" to follow these rules until today so my new first weigh-in will be a week from Sat (extra time to lose extra weight never hurt). Keep me honest people!!!

So here are the "rules:"

1. Weigh-in every Saturday morning and record weigh-in on blog
2. Work out 5 days/week
3. Write down EVERYTHING I eat
4. Eat 3 meals a day, maybe 1 snack (I read in WW magazine that people who eat lots of little meals lose slower and actually end up eating more)
5. No soda after 3p.m. – this should help with my water intake
6. Don't buy ANY new clothes at current size (22)…..I like to wear nice clothes and not being able to buy them will motivate me
7. Only eat out when it is planned into the day or when invited by someone else
8. "Rewards" every 10lbs
9. When eating out order an appetizer, soup and salad or only eat ½ - save $ and calories
10. Make an effort to upkeep self and apartment (part of losing weight is confidence….sometimes girls get lazy, especially when they've been in a "relationship" for a while but regular waxing, manicuring, etc all make you feel girlie)

I've also decided to make a list of the foods I like at my favorite most frequented restaurants that are CORE or if they aren't CORE what the points value is. That way I can make good decisions.

That's about it from me. Wish me luck and if you have any ideas for rewards or other "rules" let me know!

Thanks

2005-09-22T23:18:00.000-05:00

I just want to thank everyone for their support. I have come up with a plan, but I'm too tired to post it now. I promise to get it up tomorrow while I'm at work.

Ta ta

Weigh-In Wednesday

2005-09-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

Up a fucking pound. How is this possible??? I have been busting my butt….ok, that might be a small stretch, but I certainly have been a good Weight Watcherer. This is insane. I was afraid it would make me want to quit, but it's just shown me that maybe CORE isn't the way to go. I must be overeating. At the end of the day it comes down to putting in less calories than you put out. I need a new diet plan. Maybe POINT? I need to do something. I've been lucky because I haven't had any real weight-related health problems, but that good luck can't last forever. I'm too busy at work to deal with this crap. Tonight I will try to figure something new out….again. Any suggestions???

Mmmmm Men

2005-09-19T14:12:00.000-05:00

Work has been so busy and it's only Monday. It's on days like today that I long for a life of relaxation. Maybe I'll play the lottery tonight. If I win I'll give half the money to hurricane relief and keep the other half to be a lazy bum. The diet is still trudging along. Curves has become my workout of choice in combination with the occasional trip to spinning class. Ok, all of that is untrue. Sex is my workout of choice. I have been going to an actual gym and Curves some too. If only I could count the activity points for sex. Another one of life's many injustices.

My weekend with JR went well. He's fine. Perfectly acceptable. Even passable for parental approval considering he earns money in a way that is both legal and interesting. Unfortunately, I can't be bothered. Not anymore. No more trips to visit, if he wants to come here that's fine. I'm done though. Finished. I have also successfully limited A-Town to only one sexual encounter mixed in with many phone calls (the blessing of a busy work schedule). I can always tell I'm not seeing him a lot because when we're in bed he says he can tell I've been going to the gym. That's my new problem with him. Who wants to hear mid-sex that you can tell they've been going to the gym?? A-Town's ridiculous comments, in combination with the cringe I experience every time I think about anything other than sex with him has moved him to the backburner. Quite honestly, the only things even keeping him on the stove are history and his oral abilities.

Moving on, I've decided to focus my attention on BeEasy and SuperFly. BeEasy is great. We have fun, we laugh, and as previously mentioned about 100000000 times the sex is worth writing a book about. It's so simple and uncomplicated, that's how these types of relationships are supposed to be, that's how things used to be with SuperFly. Now I want to be with SuperFly. Actually with him. I just have to figure out how to propose this idea. I don't know how you change something that has been so stable for so long. I'm afraid of saying something and losing everything. I'm not stupid enough to think he doesn't know how I feel. I know he does, and I think he feels the same way. We're both very independent people and the idea of giving up our freedom is scary. Maybe it's a sign we really shouldn't be together. Who knows?

Quick diet update: forgot to weigh in this morning. Honestly, I was eating my egg with fat free cheese and realizeed I hadn't weighed myself. We're going to have Weigh-In Wednesdays just because it sounds like more fun than Monday. Remind me people!!!

The Ache

2005-09-16T22:43:00.000-05:00

Body aches are such a funny thing. There's such a wide variety. The three that I am most familiar with are: the actual ache, the post-sexercise ache, and the post-exercise ache.

What really confuses me is why, though these aches are so similar, they feel so similar. When my body has an actual ache I'm the first one to reach for tylenol, advil, alieve, alcohol....anything to make it go away. Muscles should not hurt for no reason and when they do it really hurts.

On the other hand, post-sexercise aches are great. One, it means you had some seriously amazing sex. Two, it serves as a remind that you did, in fact get laid. Post-sexercise aches are wonderful because everytime you feel that twinge when you walk you can relive a moment of that earth shattering passion. Then you get to smile to yourself and feel quite naughty.

The post-exercise ache is similar, yet very different from the post-sexercise ache. Much like the post-sexercise ache, the post-exercise ache makes you feel good about yourself. Like you've accomplished something. Your muscles are sore from use, and with each pain another little chunk of fat is melting off your body (ok, maybe only in my world). Though the soreness makes you tired, it makes you smile because you've done something good for yourself (much like with sexercise).

I don't know where this came from, I'm really rambling about nothing....all aches should be good aches...

Scale Scare

2005-09-13T07:40:00.000-05:00

I'm scared of my scale. Once upon a time I was a perpetual weigher. Every morning I would weigh with the exception being those after a night of chinese food or soup (things that would bloat me). Now I'm scared to get on a scale. I have weighed myself once since I started really doing CORE, and it showed a small loss, but still a loss. Ever since then I have avoided my scale like it was going to give me an incurable STD.

I'm scared that if I step on that horrifying piece of metal it will show no loss and all my healthy eating, journal keeping, and exercising will be for not. Then I would have a hard time continuing this diet until one day down the road when my pants are too tight and I get on the scale and gasp at the horror of the number looking back at me.

This fear is really irrational. I have been good on CORE, and I've been exercising. Logic and Weight Watchers both say I should've lost a ton of weight. I know I haven't lost a ton as there is still a nice fat roll gazing up at me when I sit on the couch, but there should've been some progress.

Next Monday I will weigh in. Officially. Online. Hold me to it people.

Guess Who's Back.....

2005-09-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

I have returned to the wonderful world of blogging following a very enjoyable extra long weekend with JR. Of course, I was slammed at work the minute I got back. Meetings, phone calls, emails, etc. I don't think I finished reading all my new email until yesterday. It made me think: what's the point of going on vacation if you end up working double time when you get back?

I guess this happens to everyone, but sometimes the return from the vacation in combination with the feelings of guilt that seem to be perpetually present during the vacation make it not worth it.

Sometimes I think "it's just my job" and that I should find a new one. Something simple, a reliable 9-to-5. Then I wonder if that job even exists in our society anymore. Just as I start to look for it, the whole process becomes too much. Who can really be bothered to go searching for a new job while still doing a good job at the one you have?

So I stay here and do the same thing day after day and wonder what it will take for me to move on, and where I would move if I were to move on. Would I change fields entirely? Go back to school? Move up in this field? Quit life and become a Stepford Wife?

Before work, life wasn't necessarily easy, but it was planned. There's no question about where you go as you move through education: elementary, middle, high school, college. Now there are so many questions it's almost too much. It's easier to stay in one job and not think about it, but no one does that anymore. At the same time, no one teaches us how to move on.

Back to work. I'll update about the boys and the diet later.

Katrina

2005-09-01T20:44:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all those countries that we help whenever they have a crisis for stepping up and helping the people of Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. We really appreciate it. Now I understand why the U.S. puts our troops on the line to save your people every day. Thanks.

What?? I'm wrong?? Other countries aren't helping?? Well gosh, I guess I can't be too upset the President of the United States hasn't even made it to see the disaster yet - more than 100 hours after the event.

2005-08-29T12:05:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those weekends where you feel like you did nothing, but it still seemed to fly by? That was me this weekend. I did nothing and it was glorious. Ok, nothing might be a little of a stretch, but I didn't do much. Friday after work I went and worked out then went home and caught up on everything I DVRed last week (DVR might be the greatest recent invention in modern technology). Saturday was SuperFly day….ahhh sexy memories. Sunday was bask in afterglow and continue to do nothing day, except for a brief evening affair with BeEasy. This week is all about prepping to go see JR on Saturday (more details to come). I leave Saturday morning and come back Tuesday morning. I still can't believe I'm going.

The diet is going really well. I've been writing down EVERYTHING I eat even if it's not CORE and it pains me to put it in my friendly WW notebook. I've been very good so lets all cross our fingers that Thursday's weigh-in shows it!

I've also been very good about working out. On Thursday when I was at the gym I got in this zone and after I realized I really like working out. After my workout on Friday I felt so hot walking to my car in my workout gear (although I'm sure the poor people who saw me were traumatized by my spandex). I also like getting lost in my own thoughts and not being bothered for a few hours. I'm always so connected – cell phone, email, IM….it's nice to be really alone for a little while. I'm thinking about signing up for a Spinning class, but I'm a little worried I will die trying to keep up with the 10lb beauties.

The only obstacle in my weight loss plan is my iPod. I love my iPod, almost as much as I love my DVR. I'm getting a little tired of listening to the same songs during my workout and I need to be updated. I like to workout to upbeat stuff (rap, pop – I even listened to Britney and Hillary Duff the other day, shame on me….) Any suggestions for my illegal downloading pleasure???

Cleaning Crisis

2005-08-26T08:20:00.000-05:00

I should mention that I am one of the neatest people you will ever meet. Not neat cool neat (I might be…), but neat like Mr. Clean neat. My apartment sparkles – literally. You could eat off the floor. I like it that way, but I am also unable to diet correctly if my apartment isn't organized. I just have two small problems: I hate to do dishes and I really hate to do laundry.

Dishes bother me for a few reasons. First, no matter how many you do or how many you stick in the dishwasher more always seem to appear in the sink. Case and point: last night I came home and there was a pile of dishes in the sink. After I worked out (yes, workout #2 for those keeping track) I washed them, went to take a shower, and then came out to cook a gourmet meal including tuna and whole wheat pasta. By the time I finished making my masterpiece the kitchen was a mess…again. Not the kitchen, just the dishes. I hate doing dishes, they are such a burden so I eat out – a lot, eating out a lot makes me a bad dieter, being a bad dieter makes me fatter…you see the cycle. What's a girl to do? I considered buying a stack of paper products from Wal-Mart, but that doesn't solve the pan issue. I could eat frozen dinners every night, but who really gets full from those?? I'm at a loss. My dishes are destroying my otherwise spotless house. I hate them.

While doing dishes brings great agony to my life there is something else I hate more: laundry. I have a washer and dryer on my floor so it's not as if there are stairs to avoid or I have to take a mile hike. I just hate doing laundry. If I need clean sheets, I go buy new ones. New underwear? Same thing. This wasn't too terrible because new underwear is always exciting and sheets are just fun to buy, but last week I let this bad habit migrate to pants. Something must be done to stop this – NOW!!!!!! Pants are not something to be worn once or twice then thrown away. My bank account cannot handle this.

If I was going by AA standards the first step is to admit the problem. Done. What's the next step????

It's Written In The Stars

2005-08-25T09:17:00.000-05:00

Or is it??? I've always been a believer in fate. If you were meant to be with someone, then it would work out. I just heard a story on SoapNet that reaffirmed this. When I was channel surfing before bed last night before bed last night I stumbled upon the talk show on SoapNet. They were interviewing the guy who plays Todd on One Life to Live (one of my DVR specials). He was talking about how he met his wife. She was a waitress at a coffee shop that he used to go to. When he first saw her he was so taken with her that he started writing her poetry and having other people deliver it. When he finally told her it was from him, he found out she had a boyfriend. One day he went into the coffee shop and she wasn't working there anymore. Fast forward 4 years.....he was driving down Melrose with a new book and saw a coffee shop that he never goes to. He decided to stop and read his book. As he's walking into the coffee shop, she is walking out. A week later they went on their first date, 6 months later they were married. If that's not fate, I don't know what is. It's stories like this that give me reason to believe. If me and SuperFly are meant to be together, it will work out....

But sometimes I question fate too. Does everything really happen for a reason? I have a hard time believing I'm fat for a reason, but maybe there is one. I have a hard time believing some people are homeless for a reason, that it was their fate, but maybe it was.

Is life about fate, or do we create our own destiny? Or is it a little bit of both?

Obligatory Diet Update

2005-08-24T10:06:00.000-05:00

The diet seems to be going well so far. Even though I have yet to wake up and find myself trapped in Jessica Simpson's body, my clolthes feel a bit loser and I feel better about what I'm eating. I'm not as tired as I am when I eat crap and I think my appetite has definitely decreased. All of these things are good.

The exercise....not so good. I have only exercised once. I know, bad bad bad. It's so hard to get out of bed early. I may have to rethink that strategy. Otherwise, no major meltdowns or crashes. A few bumps, but such is life.

I eat most when I am bored. I sit around and munch and keep eating until I'm so full it hurts. That's what really gets me. I need to think of some other things to keep me busy while I'm watching TV (text messaging/calling the boys is out of the question - I need to learn to entertain myself).

Any suggestions?????

Bar Blunders

2005-08-23T09:18:00.000-05:00

I think using fat as an excuse to be shut in your house is ridiculous, but there is one exception: bars. A lot of fat women do not like to go to bars.

I have a theory on this....

I have a confession to make. I have never been one of those people who used being fat as an excuse. I always read books about these people who hide behind their fat. They blame it for everything: not ever getting laid, wearing bad clothes, etc. Lets be honest though, any girl (within reason) can get laid if she chooses to forget all her morals, and society has so many stylin fat girl clothing lines that there is really no excuse to wear a moo moo. Truth is, there are so many fat people in the world today that unless you put yourself in that "fat box" most people will get over it if you let your personality shine through. As Monique says FAT means Fabulous And Thick. I wouldn't go that far, but unless you have "cankles" and waddle hiding behind your fat is just an excuse to use fat as shield. I know it sounds harsh, but as a fat person I think that it's ok for me to comment. I am certainly not suggesting it's easy to lose weight. If it was I wouldn't have a fat ass. It's hard, and a lot of it is more emotional than people think. One of the fat doctors my parents used to send me to once told me that it's ok to be depressed during weight lose because you are mourning your friend: your friend food. I digress.

Bars are the one exception to the above rule. Well, bars, clubs and any other type of setting where other women are being hit on, danced with or otherwise courted. A lot of fat women do not like to go out, and there is a perfectly good reason for it: it's the quickest way to kill your self-confidence. As a fat girl going to a bar I expect at least one "oh no you are too big" comment. I expect to have no one dance with me. I expect to be insanely jealous as men hit on the women I'm with. I expect to want to deck the slightly chubby thing standing near me who is whining about being fat. Please girl, you don't know fat until you shop at Lane Bryant, ok???

My point: please take pity on your fat girl friends when inviting them to go out partying. Don't shun them for being hesitant, and keep asking because even if they say "no" a lot they might say "yes" one time. Most importantly, if you get your fat friend out and you happen to be skinny, please don't complain to her that you are fat. It only serves two purposes: makes her feel fatter and helps your ego when she says you're so skinny.

What Dedication Looks Like....

2005-08-22T11:44:00.000-05:00

Moldy Bread. My dedication to weight loss has clearly been taken to a new level. Yesterday, like a good little Weight Watcherer I planned out my menu for today and decided to bring a "sandwich" (I use the term "sandwich" because a real sandwich is not made with fat free cheese). This morning while folding my sandwich (more of a wrap really) I discovered a little bit of mold around the edges. I was faced with two options: rip off the mold and stay on plan (I have no other bread product in my house) or go out to lunch. Though going out to lunch was by far the more appealing of the two options I picked option 1. So I ripped off the mold in the name of weight loss. If I end up puking my brains out I'm bound to lose a few extra pounds - right??

Back to School Blues

2005-08-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

This time of year always depresses me. I know it shouldn't. I'm beyond the point in my life where I should care about other people going back to school. Yet, whenever I see the Office Max commercial with the "Rubberband Man" it makes me want to run out and buy school supplies. As much as I love my job, I can't tell a lie: I miss college.

I miss that life where I would roll out of bed at 12:30 and rush to a 1:00 class. I miss being done for the day after one or two 80-minute lectures that (lets all be honest) were "optional." Living with all your good friends within walking distance was something I never really appreciated until I graduated and started paying for my own gas.

I was trying to think about things that are better in the "real world" than they were in college. The paycheck is a plus, it's also nice to have the day be over when I leave work (most of the time) and not have to deal with homework.

I think what gets me most about college is that as much fun as I had there are so many things that I wish I had done. I regret not ever doing a semester abroad or joining a sorority and I wish I had let loose more and gotten completely hammered more often.

What do you miss about college?

Backwards Thursday

2005-08-18T20:39:00.000-05:00

Today has been strange from the beginning. Not strange, just off. I managed to get to work on time, and put my cell phone on my desk while I went off to deal with the interns. I come back and I have a text message. I assumed it was BeEasy since that is his communication tool of choice during the workday. WRONG. It was ATown saying "good morning baby." I didn't gag even though it was him. Instead I was overcome with this warm feeling of happiness. FINALLY I thought maybe I was getting back some of the feelings I had for him. I text him back and said good morning then asked what he was up to. He responds: "wishing I was with you" - too cute, right? I'm starting to swoon again. He's leaving for a business trip on Sunday, and I don't think that we'll be able to see each other before then so I mentioned that. His response: "try not to be too upset." HA! Upset???? You have GOT to be kidding me. I managed to keep myself from laughing in his face (thank god we were texting). I just said it would be ok and that I would call him after work. Long story short: I called him after work. He didn't answer, and the minute I heard his voicemail I remembered why he turns me off. Good bye moment of weakness.

Next text messaging session was with BeEasy. Ahhh back to normal. He asks if he can come over later. As if there is a decision to be made here. I did make him sweat for a little bit though. He's supposed to be coming by in a little bit though. Eh, I guess it's a small victory if he initiated it. I think there's something to be said for a man who can turn you on by telling you what he plans to do to you in a text message.....

The best surprise today came from SuperFly. I was home being a good Weight Watcherer cooking my whole wheat pasta when he called and said he was in the neighborhood. If a man offers to take you out to dinner you don't say no, besides being with him makes me happy. We had a really nice Italian dinner (wine and everything - the WW people will just have to forgive this one), and chatted a lot. A nice makeout session in the car before we said good night. We wouldn't said good night, but he had a pile of work in the back of the car and I had a previous BeEasy engagement. Although, being blown off once or twice might be good for BeEasy. SuperFly and I have our Saturday date set. I'll use work tomorrow to think of fun things for us to do....ha.

Mo Money Mo Problems

2005-08-18T12:49:00.000-05:00

It seems the "mo money" Sean Combs makes, the "mo problems" he has figuring out his name. Though he has climbed to nearly the top of the hip hop ladder(some, like myself, would argue that Jay-Z is the most powerful man in hip hop) Mr. Combs seems to have suffered an identity crisis. Throughout his memorable career, he's been "Puff," "Puff Daddy," "Puffy," and "P. Diddy." Now he's just Diddy. He claims this change is making people feel closer to him. What??? Diddy has clearly lost his mind, or maybe he's just afraid his next album won't sell. Just in case you're reading this Diddy: you can ask me to call you whatever you want, but I'm not going to feel closer to you until I get an invite to your house in the Hamptons.

Taking A Stand....

2005-08-17T11:11:00.000-05:00

Things have been busy at work today, but I just wanted to let all interested parties know I took a stand with BeEasy. I probably shouldn't have gone back and talked about something that had already happened and been resolved, but I didn't want him to feel like he could take advantage of me. Not take advantage, maybe I mean take me forgranted like SuperFly does so often.

Last night I told him that I was frustrated Monday when things didn't work out, and that I felt like he would have come over if he really wanted to. After I said it I waited for the great fall out of 2005. To my surprise he APOLOGIZED. I couldn't believe it. Men don't apologize. At least not to me. He said he never wanted to upset me, he just didn't think I cared that much if he came over. Wow. Well, I'm glad we talked about it and got that straightened out.

In unrelated news: I have been a good Weight Watcherer for 3 days (consecutively). It feels good. I think I can do this. Now if I could just get better at the exercise part.

Team Aniston

2005-08-16T15:13:00.000-05:00

I apologize to all the humanitarians of the world, but I find Angelina Jolie completely repulsive. Everytime I look at Jennifer Aniston I wonder what the hell Brad Pitt was thinking. Then I come to the only logical conclusion: Angelina used some voodoo on him. It makes sense really; the woman did carry a vile of blood around her neck, make out with her brother, and say that she likes to abandon her young son to have sex with random men in hotel rooms. So she adopts kids from third world countries. That's a nice thing to do, but people adopt children every day - it doesn't mean you should be nominated for the Noble Peace Prize. Especially if you have a small fortune to spend on nannies. Also, was anyone else a little disturbed that she and Brad left their precious children for a romantic vacation??? Most people I know don't disappear for 2 nights when they have a brand new baby. What do I know? I don't have kids.....

Jennifer Aniston is beautiful, funny, smart....not that I've met her, but this is what I gather. Everyone likes her, it's impossible not to. The obvious conclusion is that if Brad wasn't drugged/hypnotized/a victim of voodoo, then he is an idiot. I hope Angelina dumps him as unceremoniously as he did Jennifer.

PS - With as much money as Angelina has she could have at least had the doctor do a good job putting the collegan in her lips.

Thanks That Was Fun...

2005-08-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

I think the time may have come to say "good bye" to BeEasy. Not that this will actually happen, I enjoy him and his dick way too much to take such drastic action. However, if I had any common sense he would be out the door.......

Last night he was supposed to come over for some high school reality TV (Laguna Beach and Super Sweet 16) naturally lending itself to an all-night lovefest. I should say that from the beginning I was a little skeptical that this date would take place, but around 9 when he texted me to say he was going to pick up his car (his friend borrowed it) and then coming over I thought he had proven me wrong. So I shower. I should've known things would take a drastic turn downhill when I got out of the shower and had 6 missed calls. I called him back, but only got voicemail. Then he called back and told me that he wouldn't be coming over because he wasn't getting his car back until much later (insert me rolling my eyes). This meant that he couldn't drop off the girl who's been staying with him (she leaves tomorrow) for the summer. I should mention that I've known about this girl, and take comfort in the fact that I bother her far more than she bothers me. He often spends the night here leaving her alone. She even had the nerve to get my number out of his phone and call me to find out "who I was." Please. She once had the nerve to send me a text message from his phone. I would have evicted her a long time ago, but she's a friend of his little sister's so she stays. They don't share a bedroom, but I'm not an idiot - I know they share a bed from time to time.

Anyway, he tells me I can't come get him because this girl is excited because she thought he was coming here and she'll start whining if he leaves. Excuse me? Is her whining my problem? NO. He then suggests he stop by in the morning before work (he's even messing up my workout plan). Fine. I don't argue. Oh, I wanted to, but I didn't. Why? I don't want to lose him. He's the one who said just last week that he likes what we have because no one gets mad. Well, I was mad. I just didn't let it show. I made several smart ass comments, he told me I was funny, and we agreed on the morning. By the time I went to bed I didn't even want him to come over in the morning. I let him though, because he wasn't the one I was mad at. I was mad at me. Why should I be mad at him? I've never gotten mad about anything before. I always "go with the flow." That's probably why he thinks he can get away with these things. That's also why he likes me, so I need to find a balance.

Needless to say, he showed up at 5am (he won a few points back for getting up early). I was still mad when he got here, but caressing hands and big blue eyes make it hard to stay mad for long. Now the workday will trickle by and I will make another promise to myself (I've made a lot of those this week) to be less available like I was in the beginning of our "relationship."

What else can I do?

When I'm Skinny I Will....

2005-08-15T19:08:00.000-05:00

During my workout I was thinking about my "plan of action" I realized that there are a lot of things that I would do if I was skinny. I like sports, I'm just bad at them because I'm fat and can't keep up. So I made a list of things I plan to do when I'm skinny......

Go Hiking
Ski
Wear a bikini
Wear a skirt without shorts underneath to keep my thighs from rubbing together
Ride a bike
Jog
Play tennis
Take a dance class
Walk a golf course
Wear high heels and tall boots
Keep up with tanning and manicure/pedicure
Not feel bad when I get a massage
Sit in a middle seat on an airplane
Sit comfortably in one seat on an airplane
Walk up stairs without getting out of breath
Play kickball
Go whitewater rafting
Rollerblade
Take a real yoga class (not one for fat people)

The Plan

2005-08-15T08:52:00.000-05:00

First, I took the weekend to develop this plan - part of why I was missing. The other two reasons were drama with BeEasy (update on that later) and my brother and his wife decided to show up to visit. They thought it would be "fun" to walk around DC in 100000000 degree heat with their 19 month old daughter. Anyway, here it is.

Food
My sister in-law brought me last months O Magazine. Even though I hate Dr. Phil I took some of his tips to heart. I went to the store and bought all Core foods. My house is stocked so there is nothing I can munch on that would possibly throw me off track. I've even gotten over the fat free cheese thing. Every day I'm going to write down what I eat (don't worry, not here) so that I can keep track and count any points I use.

Exercise
I'm going to do some type of cardio plus Curves at least 4 days per week. I'm going to try to sign up for some swim classes after work at the gym because I like those. This goal is going to mean getting up and going to either Curves or the gym before work so I talked to my boss and changed my hours. I don't have to be at work until 9:30. This I'm going to try the gym before work and Curves after. We'll see how that goes this week and if it doesn't work next week I can switch.

Goal
I want to lose 135lbs. FitDay ( http://www.fitday.com ) say to do this losing about 2lbs/wk it will take until November of next year. That doesn't seem so far if it means I will be 140lbs.

Wish me luck!

What A Tangled Web We Weave

2005-08-14T20:09:00.000-05:00

I am completely bipolar when it comes to the men in my life....

SuperFly has been really busy, but we've set aside as Saturdays to be our day. We're going to watch football and have sex and be happy. It should be good. As long as I don't get a better offer. Make no mistake, at the end of the day this is the one I care about and want. I would bring him home to Mom and Dad tomorrow. Of course that would mean giving up BeEasy and I can't do it. Not yet. When SuperFly looks in my eyes I know he cares, BeEasy likes to make me smile, but he doesn't care. He told me he doesn't care. Of course I am more attracted to BeEasy because he needs some polishing. Come on girls, we all know this boy. You've got one who's perfectly nice and wonderful and another who has drama (in this case trouble at work among other things). Logically, we pick the nice one. Realistically, it's the bad boy. Sometimes I wish BeEasy never called me, that the sex was never part of our life. Then I remember how good he smells, how he makes me feels, how smooth and completely blissful the sex is, and how I come so close to orgasm just by giving him head. This makes me remember why he's still here.

Why do good guys like SuperFly (and even ATown) finish last not in my heart, but my bedroom????

An Awakening......

2005-08-12T08:40:00.000-05:00

Last night I realized that I am really big (aka fat). First, after BeEasy left I looked at my butt in the PJs I had just worn and it was wide. Very wide. Deserving of a double-wide sign wide.

Then, this morning, I was sitting in a public bathroom at this stupid meeting and there was a mirror next to me. The sight, was....a sight. I have a plan, it's going to happen. I've had many adventures to post about, but my boss decided to send me to this meeting today so I spent all day yesterday getting ready.

An appropriate post tonight if I make it.

Musical Moments

2005-08-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

It's funny how mood impacts musical selection. For me, it's a combination of songs I can relate to, and the mood I'm in. Right now, I'm obsessed with John Mayer "Daughters." I hated it the first time I listened to it. Well, the first few times. One day I heard it and I almost cried. Since then I've been hooked. Same with Howie Day "Collide." I hated it until a few days ago when I was driving to go pick up BeEasy and suddenly it felt like a scene out of a movie (or maybe some MTV reality show....haha). Last night after BeEasy left (more on that later). I downloaded John Mayer, Maroon Five, Howie Day and Five for Fighting to my iPod (I tried to get Faith Hill "Mississippi Girl" too, but it wouldn't work....).

The funny thing is, I like a lot of different types of music, but usually I like more R&B or Hip-Hop. Most of the time I only listen to stuff like John Mayer and Maroon Five when I'm sad. I'm not sad right now.....contemplative, but not sad. Music can also change my mood, or at least distract me. When I'm grouchy and a good song comes on the radio, things get better.

Ok, now I'm just rambling on and on and this reads like a 4th graders paper on music. Clearly, I need sleep.......

Question of the day:

Does your mood influence your musical selection??

Life Update

2005-08-09T16:55:00.000-05:00

First....the diet since that is what this blog is *supposed* to be about.

I've decided I need a plan of action. I'm reading "Jemina J" - along with "The Next Big Thing" and "Passing for Thin" this falls in the books about fat people category. I like these books, except for in this one and "Passing for Thin" these women all of a sudden have this revelation that they need to be skinny and they do it. Cold turkey. No screw ups (well, none so far in this book). I just don't think that's realistic. I do need a more focused plan though. Regular weigh-ins, a workout schedule, things of that nature. This weekend I'm going to sort that out and post it. I'm sticking with WW Core. I just need to pick a weigh-in day and make a workout schedule and have people hold me accountable (that's where you people come in....)

The diet's going well this week. I've made good food choices which is step one if there is such a thing in the diet world. It's frustrating to try so hard and feel like you're making such little progress.

Now for more interesting topics.

The men.

BeEasy. My current favorite topic of conversation (and favorite bed buddy). I thought that I messed up. I was THAT girl. Well, not THAT girl. I asked him what made him decide to start hooking up with me. We've known each other for a while from work and friends. I was curious, why all of a sudden (ok, all of a sudden being last November, but still...) He took it well. He said it wasn't premeditated, it just happened. He also said he likes it because it's not serious and we never fight. I liked his answer. We do never fight, even when we don't end up meeting like we planned or if something else comes up there's never any drama. For example: Saturday we were going to hook up, he never called. I called ATown. BeEasy also called first thing in the morning Sunday to tell me why and say he wanted to see me later. No problems, no arguments, no tears. It's just great.

We get along so well, and the sex is so good. We have nice conversations, but there isn't anything else there. I do care about him a little bit, but not too much. He knows about SuperFly which shows I don't really care. If I did I would keep it a secret. The thing about him is he's just so smooth (in bed and out) and he knows where to touch and how to. I know he has other women in his life, but he always comes back for more of me. That's part of the attraction too, he makes me feel so attractive and like no one else makes him feel how I do. Plus he tells me he appreciates me. That's important. Everything with him is so intense (sexually). I like that he always pulls me in closer, like he can't get close enough no matter how tight he's squeezing....(that could be b/c of the layers of fat in the way too - haha)

SuperFly is also very good. He called yesterday and invited me out for dinner. We had a nice dinner and went back to my place for a movie which resulted in great sex on the living room floor. SuperFly is the one I care about. He doesn't know about any of the other guys because I'm scared to lose him. He and I are so comfortable together. We laugh and have fun and are really part of each other's lives. We do stuff together that doesn't always end in sex and it's ok. I think he takes me forgranted though, and that's why BeEasy is so important. I mean, the sex with SuperFly is totally different - it's not as intense as with BeEasy. It's fun, we laugh and talk.

Each day is different. If you had asked me last night which one I wanted it would've been SuperFly. Ask me today and it's BeEasy. Probably a sign I'm not ready for that wedding thing yet.

Less significantly...

I did call ATown (I know, bad bad bad). We had a nice night though. It's nice to know the sex is still decent. Besides, you don't have to really talk during sex. He's not bad to sleep next to. No violent limbs flying or anything. Still, it was just "eh"

I've heard a lot from JR recently. I finally broke down and made a tentative plan to see him Labor Day weekend. The truth is I have no reason not to see him. He calls a lot, he's interested in what I have to say, he's cute and funny. So that's the plan for now. It could change.

"Welcome Home Friends"

2005-08-09T08:33:00.000-05:00

I have become a little bit hooked on this whole Shuttle Discovery thing. I am so hooked that I woke up early this morning and watched the shuttle land from the TV at my office instead so I wouldn't be late for work.

I had a bad feeling about it. I know that's pessimistic, but given recent history I didn't think it was completely insane. I've come to the conclusion that when big news happens, it happens all at once and is followed by slow news for a few weeks. Peter Jennings' death did nothing to make me feel more confident about Discovery's return. It's funny, big news tends to be so negative. Someone dies, goes missing, etc. The truth is, good things can be big news too. The safe return of Discovery is huge, for NASA and for the future of space exploration. I still can't help but think that if something bad had happened to the shuttle it would get more coverage. I guess we'll see tonight.

On another note: are Soledad O'Brien and Miles O'Brien (CNN's morning team) married????

I'll update on my life and diet (although they kind of go together) later. I have to actually do work this morning after the internet crisis yesterday......so inconvenient.

Condomsense

2005-08-07T20:47:00.000-05:00

I love condoms. They are wonderful for a variety of reasons most of which we are all familiar with so there is no need to detail. It's not the condoms that I'm taking issue with, it's the men who remove them.

Men, take note: When one removes a condom it is never, ever, ever to be thrown onto the floor and left there to collect carpet fuzz. Condoms go in the toilet to be flushed or are wrapped in the paper product of your choice and thrown away. I understand, and quite appreciate the concept of post-action cuddling; it's one of my favorite parts of the loving. However, if you feel the need to throw the condom on the floor for this part of the event pick it up so I do not find it by stepping on it hours after your departure. Ick.

That being said, it's time for a bubble bath (yes, fat girls take bubble baths too; no, the water and bubbles don't go all over the floor) and hopefully some loving. A much more entertaining update tomorrow. For some reason I'm more inspired at work when my blogging efforts mean I am avoiding what I'm actually paid to do.

Ta ta.

Blunder #1

2005-08-06T19:09:00.000-05:00

It's funny - after 2 days of successful dieting: eating Core-friendly foods, going to bed hungry, even fitting in a walk or two I felt as if I should wake up this morning skinny. As if my 2 days of suffering would make up for the many calories that have passed these lips. Instead of waking up skinny I woke up to a phone call from ATown. Skinny would have been better.

I should have ignored the call. You know this call. You look at your phone, see the name glaring back at you and you know you should not answer. Then there is a twinge of guilt, and you find yourself answering. Regret hits immediately. Today's conversation was relatively harmless. He invited me to lunch. I agreed - mistake #2. I spent an hour having nice conversation and finally feeling like we had gotten back something. Then he asked if he could come over, and without even thinking I made up some story about having plans. About meeting up with a friend from college. I don't know why. Well, aside from moral qualms about sexual relations with 2 men in less than 24 hours (the story of those adventures are much more exciting....digressing....I do that a lot). He looked completely dumbfounded. Maybe it was because I never say "no" to him. I don't even know why I said no, I like him enough and the sex is good - ok, the sex is decent, but he could make a self-help tape for men on how to give good oral....digressing again.

The truth was, he just isn't my number one choice. There is a good chance I'll be seeing BeEasy tonight, if that doesn't work out SuperFly is a possibility and both outrank ATown. So he was rejected. At least for a while. I told him I would call him after I saw my friend. Seeing my friend turned out to be watching Katie Holmes in "First Daughter." Then as I walked to my car to go home I felt bad, suddenly this person who was once number one, who I would've married (thank god I didn't)....was #3?????? I felt bad, and when one feels bad one naturally turns to her good friends Ben and Jerry. I guess I should feel good that I got frozen yogurt, but all I could think about was the WW points and Core going down a large drain. Tomorrow's a new day, a new diet beginning. Tonight it's me and my couch....well and Ben and Jerry. Hopefully BeEasy or SuperFly will work out...if not I will probably call ATown.

Humble Apologies...

2005-08-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

I will confess. I am a blog virgin. Much like the first time (or few times) you have sex, things are a little....off. I didn't know how to do a title until today (face begins to redden with shame), and I still don't know how to do pictures or link names of other bloggers. I promise tonight I will lock myself in my apartment and try to figure it out. Until then - thanks for all the comments! I'm glad to know people are reading, and my warm welcome from DCBlogs was appreciated.

Back to "helping" the interns. Any helpful blog tips would be great!

Useless Interns

2005-08-05T11:26:00.000-05:00

Dear God, Please forgive me for this. Yes, once I was an intern. I thought I was good, that I was actually helping the people in the office. Now after being blessed with two bright-eyed interns of my own I have discovered that was a lie. I was a pain in the ass. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for getting experience on the job. Building resumes is wonderful. Does it have to come at the expense of my sanity??? I have been working at the current location since that fabulous day in May of 2003 when I graduated from college. I love my job most days and I can explain it with enthusiasm. This summer I was offered an intern. 1. Singular. Not 2. After some office drama I ended up with 2. Fine. Why anyone thought I was worthy of an intern I will never understand, but there they were the Tuesday after Memorial Day begging to "learn the industry." For June and July I found many educational "learning experiences" for them. It's August, we're in DC. Even the fucking president took off for his racholicious fun - there is NOTHING TO DO. I don't even work in politics and THERE IS NOTHING TO DO. I have spent the morning BEGGING other people in my office to give them something to do. Finally, the poor darlings got stuck filing clippings. They must hate me now. I don't care. As luck would have it, a little baby project that I was supposed to work on is being handed off to them. This will be Monday's excitement. Maybe they'll mess it up and I'll have to redo it. Normally the thought of this would make me cringe, but if I redo their work I won't feel guilty next payday for having done NOTHING.

2005-08-04T15:00:00.000-05:00

Office Snitch!

The one bad thing about the boss being away is that once 4p.m. hits I'm ready to hit the road. Beat the rush hour traffic. Maybe, hopefully, be productive at home before evening activities. The stupid office snitch prevents this. You know who I'm talking about, that whiney old woman who's been with your boss since birth and has nothing better to do than tell on anyone who has the nerve to sneak out before 5p.m. Does she ever consider that we came in early??? No..... she just snitches away. It doesn't impact my $$, but it does make me look bad. So I sit. At my desk. For another hour. With nothing to do (this is evident by the 3 posts today thus TRIPLING my blog total before yesterday.) I'm trying to decide what exercise to do tonight. I think it's going to end up being the gym. Air conditioning always wins. At least I'm somewhat motivated.

Question: what are some good websites to kill time when you've read all the blogs, answered all the emails, and had your fill of CNN????

2005-08-04T12:44:00.000-05:00

Wow....work is really really slow today. I guess that's what's supposed to happen when the boss goes out of town :) Oh well, it gives me time to update about 2 of the wonderful men in my life.

SuperFly: Things have been smooth sailing lately. He's about to hit his busy season at work too, so I'm sure this will result in one of those mental breakdowns that only women have. Even though I will be beyond busy I will end up frustrated by his lack of time to spend with me. I guess I shouldn't assume the worst. I miss him when he's not around though. Not just the sex, him as a person. I think my goal for the fall will be not to be a psycho girl and avoid any mental breakdowns that could bring a lot of stress to a relationship that is going relatively well.

BeEasy: We had a wonderful night last night. Well, I suppose early evening is more appropriate. He sent me the naughtiest text suggesting that we "take a drive." A drive?? In broad daylight??? He assured me it would be fun. I was having flashbacks to those nightmarish high school days where you are forced to have sex in the car. In the end, it was a little of both. At our first spot we were interupted by an older woman walking her dog. He got nervous so we migrated. The next spot was fine. He's great.

BeEasy does so many things well (most of them in the bedroom, or car as the case may be). I like giving him head because he doesn't do that stupid thing that most boys do. The one where they grab your head and bob it up and down. Ugh. He caresses and is cute. The sex is mindblowing....I can't think about it or I will have to leave work. So far things are looking good for a repeat tonight - only this time it will be at my apartment.

Last night was good after my adventure with BeEasy. I met up with some old friends from college and drank and had a merry time. I don't do that enough. Just let my hair down and have fun. I'm such a planner. The night was great though - such fabulous discussion about politics, religion, and sex (most importantly were the new head techniques from the gay guy). I lost count after my third beer, resulting in a dire need for a non fat latte from Starbucks this morning, but it was worth it. For once I acted 24 instead of 34.

2005-08-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

The joys of......fat free cheese. This morning, after weighing myself I decided I really need to start dieting. No more excuses that this shit can wait - it can't. So I began the day with an eggbeater, ham, and FF cheese egg concoction (it looked gross, but tasted good). Fat free cheese is a mystery to me. First, the shredded does melt, but it has NO TASTE. Nothing. Zero. I could have put orange rubber on my eggbeater and it would have tasted exactly the same. Why Kraft????? Why do you create this nasty product. Is there no one at your lovely cheese creation shop who can improve this horrific tastebud situation??????? PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news: I have chosen the WW Core plan for my diet of choice.....here's why:

WW Points - I can't keep track of points all the time right now. Especially with work and meetings coming up and not being able to get on a schedule. Things will pick up more in September and it would just be a disaster.

Atkins - I love the concept: full fat cheese, beef, etc. I also love potatoes and fruit. Plus, I think when people go off it they are used to eating full-fat so then the combination of as much full fat as you want plus carbs leads to lots of weight being put back on.

South Beach - I can't make it through the first two weeks - where you get no carbs. I would die.

Surgery - I wish.....I'm taking donations.

So that leaves me with Core. One potato a day and I can eat other nice things like wheat pasta, brown rice and couscous. The only real downside is it's supposed to be Fat Free cheese and no bread. It's ok though - I get Flex points for that. I need to do this, and it's realistic. I just need to be dedicated. Strong. Right.......

I have a few things to finish up before lunch, but I'll update about the men later. Oh, and they have been worth talking about. Whew.

2005-08-03T13:24:00.000-05:00

Since no one reads this, I wasn't really worried about taking time off. Time off probably sounds funny after only one entry, but I needed to make sure I could really do this diet before I started involving the blogger world. I am ready to. I need to. I'm having a hard time finding motivation aside from how tight my clothes have gotten and how nasty I feel (that might have more to do with the 100+ temperature and 100000000% humidity happening in the area). Like every other day this morning started well then boom, down the drain. I am so weak. I've been sitting at work reading other fat people post about how well they're doing and all the damn weight they've lost and it makes me want to either cry or put a pencil through my eye (things are a little slow at work this week). One woman says she's gone from the mid-200s to 182 since FEBRUARY.

I have no motivation. Why the hell would I? I have a great job, great friends, and most importantly great sex. Lots of great sex. I am doing this for me. I don't want to be a 40-year-old whale when I walk down the aisle. Maybe I need to put up pictures of people in wedding dresses in my kitchen.

2005-07-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

I suppose this is the part where I say welcome to my life. I’m going to use this blog to track the oh so exciting life of an overweight 20-something battling the bulge and men. They say fat girls don’t get the guys. Oh they are wrong. So very wrong as you will soon learn. Here’s the run down on me: I am 5’5” and as of today weigh 268lbs. The most I’ve ever weighed in my life, although somehow everyone I meet decides to tell me I look skinnier…. I digress. I’ve made a commitment to lose some damn weight. I would like to lose exactly 128lbs. This journal will track that blessed event…..among other things.

I know what you’re thinking. 268lbs??? My God, I’d see her coming a mile away. The reality is I hide it well. If you saw me you would definitely think overweigh, but not nasty. I don’t wear Moo moos, and I don’t shop in fat stores. I am a normal 20 something like all the rest of them…..there’s just a lot more of me to love.

Speaking of loving….currently there are 4 men in my life. Yes, that says 4. Don’t go jumping to any skank ho conclusions….the primary involvement is with one, two are for play, and well the last is more entertainment….here’s the rundown on them ( in order of importance):

SuperFly: Ahhhh he’s great. We’ve been involved for about 2 years now. We get along well, we’re happy, the sex is decent, and we’re really just good friends on top of it all. Quite honestly, we would be “boyfriend/girlfriend” if he wanted a commitment. He doesn’t, so we don’t. I hope we’ll get there someday. Maybe…….

BeEasy: This one I could keep around for the sex until the day I die. If good sex and entertainment was the only basis of a relationship – whew we’d be done. Don’t get me wrong, we get along. We like hanging out, but really there’s no depth. No long term potential. Word on the street is he has a kid, but he hasn’t confirmed or denied this, and quite honestly I don’t care enough to stir the waters. He’s away for a few weeks on business. I’m don’t know if I miss him or not. Something for us to figure out. We talk pretty often, and he’ll be back soon so we will see…..

ATown: Ahh this one is the perpetual pain. That boyfriend from long ago who never seems to go away. Well, it’s hard to say. For years I wanted him back more than anything, but SuperFly came on the scene followed soon after by BeEasy and like so many memories of men before the memory of ATown began to fade. Well, it was almost near gone until ATown decided he missed me. I mean this is understandable, I’m quite missable. Eventually I let him back into my life, and bed and well……now I’m a little sick of him. However, we have history and it’s hard to say good bye without being a bitch. Really, he’s pretty reliable, nothing wrong with keeping him on the backburner in case the others go AWOL. His visits are limited…..thank god.

JR: This guy is my ego boast/entertainment. We were involved for about 10 months a while back and had a short fling in October. I removed him from my life because he was like a leech sucking the life out of me and my wallet, but alas he returned. So far our contact has only been via phone, but he begs and pleads for me to see him. I don’t know how long I will hold out, or how long it will be before I get irritated at SuperFly and decide JR is worth a review……

So that’s me, minus all the diet fun. I’ll post my plan of action later. They do apparently pay me to do work around here and well, there’s work to be done…..

Ta ta for now.